How I Almost Lost the Love of My Life to Porn + A New Understanding of Sexuality

This was another post from Reddit when I hit 30 days for the first time. Check out the original post and comments here.

So I was having serious issues in my first month of NoFap. I couldn’t focus, couldn’t get any work done, and I was having apparent emotional mood swings. Since I couldn’t use my escape mechanism of masturbation I was forced to sit and face my problems. It was obvious to my girlfriend that something was wrong so she kept asking me.

I had explained the concept of NoFap to her before, but I left out the part that I had been looking at porn (I had always denied that I looked at it while we were in a relationship and we’ve been together for almost 4 years). So this time I told her everything, that I started porn when I was 12, and have struggled with it ever since.

Understandably, she was quite upset. She has serious body image issues to begin with (even though she is stunningly attractive) and while she was happy that I was getting over all of this, she was still extremely disgusted with me. She didn’t want to be around me and she wasn’t sure if she could be with me anymore. As horrible as all of this was, in many ways I felt better than I ever have before. Now that it was all out in the open, I was no longer hiding anything in shame, and I no longer felt the guilt of doing something wrong.

I can’t even describe to you the feeling of freedom I had. The fact that I might lose the person I love most in this world was terrifying and heartbreaking, but I knew that if it ended, it was because I did the right thing. I want to marry this girl and I couldn’t in my right mind build the kind of relationship I wanted with her based upon any kind of lie or deceit as to who I am or what I’ve done. At the time I told her I was on a 27 day streak and felt that I was morally the best person I have ever been.

Now things are still shaky between us and we haven’t been able to talk much lately because she’s been working a lot, but she did say she still wants to stay with me but she doesn’t know how to get through this. I’m pulling all the stops out on Valentine’s day and I’ve got a plan to get us back on track. But this entire journey made me have a profound realization that I would like to share with you all: You shouldn’t have sex till marriage.

Many of you are probably rolling your eyes right now, but if you let me explain I think I can pitch it to you in a way you’ve likely never heard. You can still have sex outside of marriage in this model… just not the physical kind.

The first thing to understand is that conceptually “sex” is at the very core of our universe. Sex is the polarity between male and female, positive and negative, and yin and yang. Basically, the male/positive/yang aspect is the dynamic stimulator. It is outpouring energy that seeks stabilization. The female/negative/yin aspect is essentially static and magnetic, it seeks to be filled and animated. When these two forces come together they create a balanced harmony. These concepts have been widely studied science and religion and appear throughout all parts of reality. If you are having trouble following this concept feel free to ask for help or do your own research.

Now normally when we think of sex, we think of what is between your legs. But this is only part of the equation. The way I see it, as humans we operate on three different planes. At the top we have the head, which corresponds to the plane of intellect and personality. At the bottom, we have the genitals which correspond to the plane of coarse physicality. In the middle, mind meets matter and we have emotions (which are essentially thoughts that we can feel). These planes are polarized, so if you are physically male, then you are emotionally female, and intellectually male. If you are physically female, then you are emotionally male, and intellectually female.

So you might be thinking “wait, so you’re saying if I’m a dude, then I’m a chick emotionally?” Well yeah, sort of, let me explain. So on the physical plane, the man has the male/positive/dynamic energy. It is his job to be the stimulator. A guy can get turned on and ready for sex incredibly quickly, and now it’s his job to figure out how to get that dynamic energy stabilized/satisfied/balanced by his partner’s feminine physicality. He does this by turning her on on (stimulating her) so that she opens up and they can have intercourse. The woman’s static physicality has been filed, and the man’s dynamic force has been stabilized. They both win and that is why sex is awesome.

Now on the emotional plane, the roles are reversed. Men tend to be much more static and reserved with their feelings. So the dance is flipped on the emotional level. The woman is trying to stimulate the man emotionally to get him to open up and accept her in the same way that the man is trying to physically stimulate the woman and get her to open up and accept his penis.

On the intellectual level the planes are flipped again, men are mentally male and women are mentally female. This can be seen by the gender differences in learning. Men tend to do better with math which requires active manipulation of numbers, where women tend to better in english which requires thorough absorption of the material where it “penetrates the mind”. Also it can be seen that men usually tend to be the instigator in conversation with the opposite sex. Women on the other hand will instead try to attract a man instead of outright hit on him.

This is obviously a gross generalization but from my experience it holds a lot of truth. However, by looking at the yinyang you see that there is a little bit of black in the white, and a little bit of white in the black. So even if you are “male” on one plane, there is always some female in there as well (and vice versa). We all have different ratios of these aspects and that is why we are all different.

So in practicality, what does all this mean? Well, I believe that it clearly outlines the way that you should pursue relationships. Typical society embraces a bottom up approach that goes physical –> emotional –> mental. So basically, have sex as soon as possible (physical), if you are lucky you will fall in love (emotional), and if you are really really lucky, you will be compatible intellectually/values/personality wise (mental). I believe that this approach is directly responsible for the absurd divorce rates in the world today. Instead I think courtship should be done in the exact opposite way.

I believe we should “mate” from the top down. First, mate intellectually. Be able to talk to one another and have a damn good conversation. Enjoy that “mental intercourse” to the point where you feel secure that your values are compatible enough to start bringing those deep emotions to the table. If that works out, then you will fall in love. Romantic love is a kind of emotional mating. Now if you are fully mated on the mental and emotional level, get married already and seal the deal with physical sex!

Aside from the obvious common sense of this, there is a deeper more practical reason to approach relationships this way. From top to bottom, these planes go from subtle to coarse, from fluid to rigid. So a mental mating is less binding than an emotional mating. An emotional mating is less binding than a physical mating. I believe physical sex essentially covers the emotional and mental connection with concrete and solidifies it.

So in the top down approach, the awesome connections you took the time to form on the mental and emotional level are now set in stone and protected with physical sex. However, if you take the bottom up approach, your emotional and mental state is also set in stone by physical sex. Since the bottom up approach usually doesn’t even entail a connection on those levels (or at least not much of one) you are stuck with this solidified shitty connector. This concrete stays on these connectors and can transfer over to future relationship problems in regards to connecting further with that same partner or forming new connections with a new partner. However, all hope is not lost if you have practiced the bottom up approach.

Basically, you need to break the concrete. The problem is that process is freaking painful. This is essentially what I’m doing with my girlfriend now. Through misuse of sexuality (we practiced the bottom up approach/my own PMO) we are now dealing with the pain of cracking all the solidified shit away and trying to start new. It’s so painful that my girlfriend is reluctant to even do it. I believe every relationship where sex comes early almost guarantees problems down the road as the concrete is worked through.

So all my dear NoFappers, please approach your relationships from the top down. It’s easy to fix things / walk away if you only have a mental connection. But if you have sex, then fall in love, then it’s really painful to try and work through issues at that point.

TLDR

  • Told my girlfriend that I had a porn problem
  • She was disgusted and almost left me
  • It sucks but it’s okay because I’m freer and more integrated morally than ever in my life
  • Gonna figure it out (wish me luck!)
  • You have three planes, mental, emotional, and physical.
  • You can mate on all three levels
  • Physical mating (intercourse) solidifies the mental and emotional plane
  • If you mate mentally and emotionally first, sex sets that awesome connection in stone protecting it
  • If you mate physically first, then it covers the other planes in concrete that need to eventually be broken to form better connections
  • Breaking through that concrete sucks and is really damn painful (what I’m going through and in a sense all NoFappers are)

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