Depressed By Lack of Experience with Girls

[Q]

Hey,

I wanted to write you a message for a little while now. I’ve been a nofapper for around 2 months, and stumbled across your vids around 2 weeks ago. Anyway couple of things: I love your energy in the videos. Your intros are awesome and motivating. I also agree highly with the majority of the stuff you say in your videos.

Anyway I’ll tell you my story.

I’ve been PMO-ing since I was 13 (and now I’m turning 21 in around a week) and I find that my addiction is ridiculously strong. My all time record is only 5 days… it’s incredibly sad and low compared to what some of the 3monthers and what not have been able to accomplish. However,

You see, I’m turning 21 as I said earlier, and I’m doing this on hardmode. Harde mode as in, insane retarded hard mode. As in, never even kissed a girl never had a girlfriend hardmode..

And it’s an understatement to say that it’s bothering the fuck out of me. I have suicidal thoughts everyday pretty much. They aren’t serious but still (and plz don’t tell me to see a therapist, been there done that.). I’m actually doing nofap partially because I’ve noticed that right after I relapse I feel insanely bad about myself, and about my situation with girls but it perhaps improves a bit if I don’t look at porn or fap. I have installed k9 on my computer, and have (after around 15 relapses each after a span of 2 or 3days of nofap) now literally sabotaged my own password. I know I have to quit this habit, because I know I have to stop viewing women as sexual objects but this entire thing is so fucking hard.

The other reason I’m doing this not because I believe that not fapping is the key to the soul and the key to unlocking some godlike state of hyperconscious uberproductive mind (because honestly a lot of nofappers seem to think this, while all we are really doing is not jerking off. It’s not like we are remolding the universe), but because I know that If I don’t get my shit together and become more confident and more talkative to girls (both of which are directly related to fapping or not fapping), I might not get a real girl ever.

Anyway so I thought I’d share my thoughts on this whole thing as a fellow nofapper. Idk maybe you can say something new I haven’t heard from the hundreds I’ve already told my dilemma to – who knows… anyway, still, your videos are awesome, keep it up, and um yeah.

 

[A]

Hey man,

I can imagine how horrible you must feel in your current situation. I just want to let you that you are not alone and there are thousands of men today who are in very similar boats. I want to congratulate you though on realizing that this is your problem and taking the initiative to try and fix it. In order for me to try and give you some proper advice rather than some general bs, I’ll need you to answer a few questions so I can better understand your situation.

1. What happens when you relapse? As in: what brings it on? why do you give in? what do you mentally say to yourself to convince yourself it’s okay? Answer all of these questions and we will definitely be able to find some spot for positive change.

Now from what you DID say, I extracted a few things of note. Please correct me if I’m wrong, but your main motivator here is to get real girls. I’m curious, you stated that you don’t believe that fapping is the key to unlocking any kind of superpowers, so how do you believe that it will help you talk to girls? I don’t ask this in a challenging way (because I believe it can help along with a bunch of other great things), but I want to understand how you see it.

My guess is that the depression is caused by you placing your relationship with women at the center of your identity. By this, I mean that you seem to think that the only way you will ever be fulfilled or be complete is if you have a romantic interaction with a woman. Because of this mentality, every day you spend without that woman is by default a day where you are unfulfilled and incomplete as a person. The more you believe that you need a woman, the more horrible you will feel if you do not have one.

So here’s my advice: Live like you don’t need a girl. Only once you have the understanding that you can live happily without a girl, will you be able to healthily live with one. This is not something that is easily done, though it is simple.

**In order for you to do this, you need to go through a grieving period**

This idea of needing a girl is obviously very tied into your identity, hence the depression and suicidal thoughts (btw you better not freaking kill yourself or I will be so damn pissed at you). All important aspects of our identity hurt when they are cut out of us. For example, all of our relationships are a part of our identity. So when a loved one dies, it hurts really bad because we cherished them as a part of our universe. Your ideal about women is a concept that you have adopted through your development and have thus worshipped through PMO and your pining for a girl. It is a cherished part of your world that will be difficult to see go.

If you seriously want to turn shit around here’s what I suggest you do: Imagine that you cannot EVER be with a girl. Make up whatever story around it that you have to. It can be dramatic or epic or whatever but meditate on it every single night. You need to FEEL this as if it were true. For example, you can imagine a loved one dying and not feel anything, but then there is a way of imagining it where you can actually put yourself in that place and feel devastated. You need to do the second way with this. During this process you might even go through some or all of the five stages of grief (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/K%C3%BCbler-Ross_model).

The point of doing this is to force yourself into a state of acceptance over your current situation. You can’t accept your current situation until your current concept about needing a woman dies. Think about it, if you don’t need a woman or need sex to be happy, then who the hell cares if you are getting any or not. Once you accept this, then it becomes a process of “Okay, I can’t have girls, how can I still have an awesome life?”. Then, start building that awesome life!

Once you can seriously start living like this then hooray, you don’t need a girl to be happy! If once you reach this point you decide that you want a girl, then that’s awesome, go get one! But the difference here will be that you don’t NEED one, and that’s the life changing twist :) (but seriously, don’t do this too early and pretend that you are over your shit or your are just setting yourself up for another problem down the road).

So anyway, hope that this massive message is at least marginally helpful!

Thank you for the kind words about my work :)

Stay clean!

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