Sex During Reboot & My Take on Reaching Sexual Satisfaction

*PMO stands for the Porn–> Masturbation –> Orgasm habit cycle

[Q]

I started M when I was 13, started with Porn when I was 16. At first i
was looking at normal sex images and videos, but with time it just all
become boring and I was changing to more hardcore genres. Last few
months almost nothing was exciting enough. I watched Porn at least few
times a week, M every day few times. And I was doing it over 10 years.
I am 27 now. I NEVER EVEN IMAGINED THIS COULD MAKE ME PROBLEMS WITH
REAL WOMEN.

When younger, I never had problems with my erection and I was able to
perform. I had 1 situation where i couldn’t get it up with a girl, but
i was really drunk and didn’t even think about it.
Recently, in the last 1-2 years, I’ve meet few girls and managed to
get them to my bed. I don’t have problems interacting with females,
I’m confident and I know i can bed a girl without much problems. All
my confidence in gone when the act is to happen, because my erection
is not there, and I’m not excited even a little when with a real girl.
In the last few months, I had 3 girls in my bedroom, completely naked,
good looking girls, and I was unable to perform. My penis shrunk even
more and that is the worst experience of my life. 3 times in a row
with 3 different girls. I think that’s 1 of the worst things it can
happen to a guy. Once 8 guys beat me up and I was feeling awful, but
after being unable to fuck I was feeling 500% worse. It the worst
thing a guy can experience.It takes your confidence, your willpower,
it’s eats you up from inside.
Then I started to explore and found YBOP. And I realized I have all
the following symptoms:
Difficulty reaching orgasm with a partner (delayed ejaculation)
Experiencing greater sexual excitement with porn than with a partner
Decreasing sensitivity of penis
Ejaculating when you are only partly erect, or getting totally erect
only as you come
Needing to fantasize to maintain erection or interest with sexual
partner
Earlier genres of porn are no longer “exciting”
Declining sexual arousal with a sexual partner(s)
Losing erection while attempting penetration
And some more…

Then I decided not to watch P or M, never again in my life. Im on day
33 now. And feeling much much better. I didn’t really have flatline, i
was horny like hell. But in my body and brain, not down there. Now,
after 30 days, I dont think about porn so much, and with every day
that passes, less and less.
After 2 weeks of no P or M I decided to try to have sex because I was
crazy horny, and I worked out good. My sensitivity down there was 100%
greater and I had like craziest 2 orgasms in my life. First time I was
100% hard, second time maybe 80%, but it was satisfying. Few days ago
I had sex again with the same girl, 100% erected and it was great,
even more sensitive down and crazy orgasm. I have to state, I had ED
problems with this girls at the beginning, but she really likes me and
she helped to fight it and now I don’t have problems while with her. I
was scared that having sex and having orgasm will put me back at the
beginning, but while having sex I don’t fantasize about Porn or
anything, Im just focused on the girl I am with and I just too
sensitive to think about anything because it just feels too damn good.
I hope Sex could help in my recovery.What do you think about that?
Sorry about long post, I have nobody to talk to about my issue. My
biggest fear is when I’ll try again having sex with a new girl, will I
experience ED again?? For the next few months, I won ‘t even try
probably, until I feel confident enough.

Anyways, I’ll never again in my life watch P or M. I want to teach my
brain that any action I’m getting is from a real girl. I hope I am on
a good road.

Also I want to help other guys who share my problems so we fight it
and beat it together.

[A]

I want to thank you for taking the time to write to me and being so open and honest! I’m really pumped that you’ve been able stay away from PMO for over a month now, that’s awesome! I’m also really glad to hear that your ED and other symptoms are going away as well. I’ve actually made a video about my thoughts on sex during reboot. You should check that out to get a detailed talk on my stance.

To sum it up though, check out the title of what I’m doing here: Sacred Sexuality Project. I’m here to help people live a higher expression of their sexuality by learning how to treat sex as something special. One of the biggest issues I see men creating for themselves is the problem of mis-prioritizing sex and turning it into a numbers game where the higher the number, the better you feel. Instead of sex being about celebrating a meaningful and loving connection, it becomes about how many orgasm you had, how many times you’ve had sex, the number of different women you’ve been with etc. etc.

Basically, men today are taught by our society that our sexual value is all about keeping score. The higher your score, the better of a man you are and the better you should feel about yourself. The problem is that this way of looking at things is totally screwed up! Think about it, you said when you didn’t perform well in bed that felt 500% worse than getting beat up by 8 dudes! There is something wrong here! Sexual conquest & performance is far to central to your identity!

So the first thing I suggest you do is start working on detaching from the idea that you need to have sex in order to feel good about yourself. Even if you were to “increase your score” by sleeping with more women/performing better and whatnot, you wouldn’t actually feel any better about yourself in the long run. You might get a temporary ego boost, but this feeling wears off quickly and you will need to find another woman to sleep with to maintain your confidence. If you pursue this pattern then two things happen – you stop getting the ego boost from sex, and sex becomes empty and meaningless (not to mention probably breaking a few hearts along the way).

When this happens you are going to get stuck feeling the same awfulness that you felt when you couldn’t perform. Only this time you aren’t going to see a solution, because your “solution” of more and better sex has proven to not work.

So instead of focusing on quantity of sexual activity, my suggestion is focusing on creating more meaningful sexual activity. The best way that I feel you can do that is by reserving sexual activity for more exclusive situations. The more exclusively you treat sex, the more meaningful it becomes. The more meaningful it becomes, the more satisfying it is. So if you want to achieve the highest level of satisfaction in your sex life, then you need to save it for very special circumstances.

You may wish to start by saving sex for a girlfriend that you are in a loving committed relationship with. This will no doubt be more satisfying than random hookups. However, I would like to challenge and invite all of my audience to reach an even higher level of sanctity in their sexual practice by saving sex for marriage. While this can be a difficult thing to do, I believe this is the path to ultimate sexual fulfillment. I feel that only once we have learned how to healthily live without sexual activity can we truly learn to live healthily with it.

My suggestion is that if you do not wish to accept saving sex until marriage (though I do hope you consider it), then at least leave it off the table for a while. Just imagine how freeing it would be to not stress about it. Instead, focus on building strong & loving relationships with women. You may find that without the pressure to have sex and perform well, that you actually are able to enjoy a connection with women that is much more fulfilling and enjoyable!

As to the specifics of your question about ED, chances are that it will continue to go away as you abstain from pornography and masturbation. I don’t think that sex is necessary to heal it. However, cuddling, touching and general loving & romantic connection with a woman could definitely help you rewire your brain back to the real deal!

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