[Q&A] Responding to People who Mock Abstinence

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[Q&A] Should I Masturbate to be Productive?

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[Q&A] Going Nude to Quit Porn

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How to deal with envy of other people’s sexual experiences

[Q]

Hi

I have a problem being envyous of other people and especially women. The envy comes from thinking that everyone is constantly having sex while I am not; and this comes from tv/radio/friends/imagination. This drives me nuts!

Any tips on dealing with envy and jealousy? 

[A]

There’s a simple component and a complex component to this question. The complex part involves doing something, and the simple part involves not doing something. So the simple part is basically just learning how to stop your mind from going into that jealous cycle. When you find yourself thinking these jealous thoughts, STOP! Think about something else. Preferably think about why you shouldn’t care about this in the first place and then go do something better with your mental energy.

The complex part involves you doing the inner work necessary to feel good about yourself regardless of whether you are having sex or not. This is an absolutely essential thing if you ever want to be free from the control of lust, desire, and sex in general. It will also be important to work through these media messages about sex and form your own opinions. For example: first of all, is everyone really having as much sex as you think? Secondly, is that even a good thing? Thirdly, why would you care even if they are?

Keep asking questions and actually trying to answer them. It is in the process of answering questions that we make the connections that help us change.

Hope this helps put things in perspective!

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Masturbating to real experiences & Time for reboot depending on age

[Q]

Hey,

first i wanted to thank you for this site and all the support it gives people who are hooked on porn and want to get their life fixed. Through Gary Wilsons TEDx Video I came upon yourbrainonporn.com and your site and realized that my porn consume is a big problem in my life. I’m 22 and I started to look at pictures of naked women when I was 11, but no fapping.

I masturbated to porn since I was 13, with weeks where I basically fapped 3 to 5 times per day to porn (got worse after getting a better internet connection and living in my own place) I thought it was normal to masturbate to porn that much (also through the mindset I got from media) I also saw an escalation in the sexual taste of my consume. I started to watch videos which, from my rational side disgust me, but turned me on in a weird way. I had sexual contact with several women, but could never get really hard with any of them, which embarrassed and depressed me.

I had two girlfriends, and after some time (and a lot of patience of my first girlfriend) I could get hard for a while, but never actually had an orgasm while having sex with her. With porn I easily could get hard and didn’t have any problems. I went to a doctor and he told me, that I’m just nervous, so he gave me Viagra to fix it. (I was 16 back then!!!) I tried it and it helped me getting hard, but even then I didn’t have an orgasm. This was one of the main reasons why both of my girlfriends broke up with me and why all women since then keep the distance after getting close to me. My desperation grew and I thought something was terribly wrong with me.

I tried to look at my past to find out what screwed me so badly, but I couldn’t figure it out because my childhood and youth was pretty sweet, besides the sex thing. About 2 Months ago I found out about porn addiction and all my symptoms where there. I quit PMO for two weeks, but after another frustrating experience with a woman I relapsed for a week. I watched all the videos on yourbrainonporn and read a lot of the articles about no PMO, so I understand what’s going on my brain.

I’m on day 29 of no Porn and already feel much better. My mind is clearer, I have much more energy, I’m much more open to strangers, a lot of women look at me on the street and women in real life seem A LOT more attractive since I stopped porn. Beautiful women everywhere!

I have actually no desire to watch porn, but I masturbated three times in this period, but only to real life experiences. Here’s my first question: Will it stop the process of rebooting when I masturbate to real life experiences and fantasizing about real women? How long will masturbating to real life experiences will take me back in the process?

My second question is: How are experiences (which I know can vary from person to person) about the time of reboot with guys who started porn during puberty and before their first sexual experiences? Thanks again! You’re doing great work!

[A]

Phil,

I want to thank you for being so open and honest, I can imagine how incredibly difficult it must have been for you to struggle with this addiction and the effects of it. As I’m sure you know from your research that there are a lot of young men out there today just like you. Congratulations on making it to 29 days and I’m glad that you are starting to see some benefits!

To your first question, I do believe that even masturbating to the thought of real experiences can still be detrimental, especially during your reboot. This is because you are taking an experience and turning it into “mental porn”. Instead of wiring your mind to associate sex with the real deal, you are still associating it to intangible images. So because of this I would still suggest avoiding masturbating period because if you start masturbating it is highly unlikely that you could keep fantasy out.

I can’t give you any magic number as to how far this set you back, but for most people, masturbation of any sort means restarting the counter. This is the approach that I personally took and believe works the best. So as much as it pains me to say it, I would recommend starting over (or at least resetting your counter to the last date you masturbated). The trick is here not to view this as a failure. You’ve obviously made tremendous progress getting this far and you want to continue to build opposed to give up and go into a full fledged relapse!

As to your other question, I do believe that it may take guys who start porn younger a longer time to rewire. I would assume that this is due to the increased plasticity of the brain during this developmental time and that the mind is much more of a “blank slate”. So I believe that the behaviors learned during this time can take more effort to rewire.

I’ve heard that guys who start porn much later in life actually have an easier time recovering because they have so many years under their belt where their brain wasn’t hooked on porn. So depending upon your individual situation it could take a little longer for things to get back to normal.

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Semi-conscious wet dream: Is it a relapse?

I’m really really confused at this moment and have been confused in the past month with this addiction from extreme anxiety from getting into the “am i doing this right?” kind of thing, and thing that are just complex. And my problem right now is that currently on day 5 as of today, i had a wet dream this morning but i get a very scary feeling because i felt that i was semi conscious..

Here is how it went: I kept waking up the past night like 6 times and falling back asleep and right before i woke up i was having these porn related experience in my dream and when i came it didnt do it by itself my body actually was rubbing my penis on the bed until i had an orgasm

OFCOURSE i would NEVER do this if i was conscious since as of now i’m COMPLETELY stopping PMO but i think i was a little conscious and i’m not sure wether or not i could have stopped it but i don’t i could. WTF is going on? Did you experience this? Is this considered a relapse? Please help..

[A]

First off congratulations on going 5 days! It sounds like you were not fully conscious when you brought yourself to orgasm so you really shouldn’t be too hard on yourself! Wet dreams and porn dreams are common experiences when recovering from a porn addiction (I personally didn’t experience them but MANY people do).

It’s up to you whether you want to consider this a relapse. If you feel like you consciously gave in, then go ahead and start over. Otherwise, just accept what happened and keep staying strong! A wet dream is not a relapse, and this seems pretty close to one. This seems more like your body going into autopilot mode when you were sleeping.

This just goes to show how wired your mind and body are to PMO. All the more reason to keep your streak going and stay clean!

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Porn ruining attraction to real women

[Q]

I’ve been watching Porn for over 8 years now , nearly daily !! I’ve gone through deeply depressions and even a bipolar disorder has been diagnosed 4 years ago…Well I never have thought that Porn consumption and masturbation could have been a reason for those things…I mean, when I was smaller I had been bullied and I always thought, my depressions developped because of that …

Well now I’m 20 years old…I had no depression for 2 years now even with porn consumption. BUT now I got on “yourbrainonporn.com” and your page and : It makes 5 days now I haven’t masturbated and watched any porn !! Its the first time in my life I stopped it . Now I begin to see clearer the main problem of my past troubles…well of course the bullies had an influence on me but I think I got lost in porn and masturbation and used this as an outlet !!

It feels fantastic stopping porn and masturbation. My skin is getting clearer, I’m more sociable and I enjoy life more than before… But there is a thing what scares me a lot…. I’ve always loved women , since I was born…but with porn consume , I think my brain got bored by women. That scares me as hell because I’m not gay at all .

But I miss the fascination for women like I had it when I was smaller , when I didn’t use women or girls as objects to jizz … I couldn’t even think normal about girls … They had to be perfect , big titted and perverted , so I could appreciate then, like in the porn movies…Now Its like a paranoia , I don’t want to turn gay, I want to be just the person I was before Porn :-( It makes me soo sad.

If I would have known the consequences of porn I would have stopped it immidiately like now….but I wasn’t aware of the consequences… Have you already heard that from people ?? That they are loosing the interest on women because of porn ?? I know I m not gay…but I miss the passion for women like in the beginning of porn consume … I’m only in the beginning of Rebooting my brain on porn but I hope I get normal again soon …Please help me with that issue !! I’m really hopeless and desperate !!!

[A]

It sounds like you’ve been through a lot with all of this. I can imagine how difficult it must be to feel as if your sexual orientation is being threatened. I really want to congratulate you on being able to recognize porn as the source of your problem and start facing it head on! A loss of interest in real women is a very common thing to have happen when it comes to a porn addiction.

What happens is that the brain gets wired to associate sex with a computer screen and the artificial reality of pornography. Your brain gets good at whatever you practice. So if you practice PMO enough, eventually that’s what your brain thinks is sex. So because of this, the attraction to real women decreases.

The good news is that all of these things will likely go away if you complete your reboot, so if you just stay on track then I have great faith that you will see much improvement!

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Nofap benefits and how it helps with feelings of self-doubt

[Q]

Hi I’m 17 been struggling with this addiction since about 13/14 could you tell me the benefits of stopping porn or do a video on it? I don’t feel like myself before this addiction I was communicating with girls and had plently of them as friends however since this has started my anxiety and shyness/nervouseness has gone rock bottom.

Currently I’m on day 0 I’m trying my best to rewire my desire from now on every time I get triggered I will remember the pain this addiction has caused me and leave it there. Ever since I started watching porn my confidence and positivity has been knocked, I’m 17 and currently studing Media studies which is film, print and publishing and camera operating etc but now I’m having thoughts such as what if I can’t make any money out of this subject/job? what if I don’t get a job? and what if I’m not successful?

These thoughts started when addiction to pmo started. Also I have shame because of where I mb which is the laptop and has been for the past 3/4 years and other people use the laptop so this adds more shame to it. So basically this addiction has made me have a loss of hope attitude for the future and it needs to stop

[A]

Thank you for taking the time to write to me. It is clear that you have been through the wringer with all of this and are ready to start turning things around!

If you want information on the benefits of stopping porn then your best bet is to go to reddit.com/r/nofap and search for 90 day reports. You will see all the accounts of people who have made it to 90 days without porn or masturbation and how it has positively impacted their lives. I’ll definitely think about doing a video on this topic eventually! But basically it can cure erectile dysfunction, increase your energy, increase your focus, help you feel more confident, help you be more social, and improve your overall feeling of well being!

I also can understand how much it sucks to be questioning whether or not you can make a living doing (what I presume to be) your passion. I used to think the same thing about not being able to be successful with life coaching. The thing that tricks you into thinking you won’t succeed is the desire for immediate gratification that porn fosters. Basically, no passion will succeed with out putting in the hard work and effort necessary. Porn use represents always taking the “easy way out”.

So if you regularly watch porn, then chances are you won’t be as successful in your endeavors because you have built up a tendency to run from discomfort (and becoming successful requires pushing THROUGH discomfort)! Part of you recognizes that deep in your mind and tells you that you won’t succeed if you continue on like this.

If you turn your porn habit around then I have no doubt that your confidence, drive, and sense of moral well being will shoot through the roof!

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When Will I See Benefits from NoFap?

[Q]

Hey man

First of all, thanks a lot for your inspiration!
It’s great to have a role model, makes it a lot easier.

I’m also a Catholic, and a fapstronaut on my 8th day =_ no PMO at
all.
I’m stopping because of my faith, but also because of how PMO destroys
you.

I’ve been reading a lot what NoFap can do for you, how it can improve
your self-confidence, make you more social, more motivated, happier,
and so on.
I haven’t noticed much since I’ve stopped.
I have fapped like at least 1-2 a day, which is why I thought that the
difference is gonna be pretty huge.

How long did it take for you to start noticing these things?

[A]

It’s great to hear from another Catholic! Congrats on getting to 8 days!! Nofap can definitely help you improve confidence, become more social, leap tall buildings in a single bound etc. However, the rate at which people experience these benefits can vary. Most commonly, people will end up feeling worse before they feel better. Whenever you try to quit an addiction, there are going to be withdraw symptoms which can really suck. This is why quitting an addiction is so hard because you will relieve this discomfort by relapsing.

This is why I place such an emphasis on facing discomfort in my material. You need to get through that tough point if you really want to turn yourself around and start reaping the benefits. I think it’s important for people to know this up front because there needs to be a solid commitment to your path regardless of discomfort if you want any chance of success.

So in my experience, I would always start to feel more clear & energetic as I put a few days between myself and my last relapse. Then, around the week and a half / two week mark things would start to get really tough. This is the point that for many people start experiencing the withdraw symptoms more acutely. For me, getting from two weeks to a month was the hardest part. After I hit a month things gradually started getting better and better. To be honest, they still haven’t stopped getting better (day 86 as of right now with no end in sight)!

But again, I must stress that this progression is different for everyone. I know how tough it is to be told that you have to wait for your superpowers, but its our proclivity for instant gratification that got us into this mess in the first place!

 

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If you don’t want to wait 90 days to reboot

[Q]

I dont want to wait 90 to heal
Is there any thing else to do?
Please tell me every thing that may help
And thank you!

[A]

A pornography habit is the product of constantly seeking immediate gratification instead of enduring the discomfort necessary to achieve long term fulfillment. Having been in your shoes I understand how tough it is to wait. You want to be better RIGHT NOW! That enthusiasm is awesome and powerful,  however if you truly want to turn things around then you need to learn how to leverage that energy to start building something great for the future.

The fact that you don’t want to wait 90 days is a symptom of this addiction to immediate gratification. There’s no cure for such a thing other than learning how to be patient and eventually reap the fruit of your efforts. If you want to speed up your process as much as possible, then don’t cheat yourself. Check out this video I made on strictness. Along with that, make sure that you take the measures necessary to ensure that you don’t relapse (because that will just set you back longer).

Healing will take some time, but I encourage you to go out and start doing things that will make your life better right now! Use that enthusiasm to spend your time doing things that you care about and you will start seeing results soon!

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