Motivation is the key to everything. If you can get yourself to *want* to do the things that are best for you, then guess what? You’ll do them, your life will improve and you’ll be way happier.
The thing is, most of us only know how to motivate ourselves using pain and pleasure. Sure this can work up to a point, but when it comes to the big challenges in life such as kicking bad habits and incorporating good ones, this sort of motivation really falls short.
In order to really start taking control of your life and breaking free from the prison of comfort you need to learn a new form of motivation. I call it “vertical” motivation and the key to getting it is through sexual transmutation.
It’s been a while since I’ve uploaded anything but I’m back with a new topic for my next sequence of videos! I’m going to be covering the art of sexual transmutation to help you learn how to make love to life!
These videos were inspired by the book King Warrior Magician Lover by Robert Moore and Douglas Gillette. It is designed to help you reach your full potential as a man by exploring the powerful archetypes necessary for creating a balanced and dynamic self.
Even if you’ve read the book I think you’ll enjoy these videos because I’ve put my own spin on each of the archetypes. I start with an intro video where I explain the idea behind this archetype work and then go through the Warrior, Magician, Lover, and finally the King.
In this video my fiancee’ Holly and I discuss how we handled my porn addiction together. As evidenced by our own journey there is definitely hope for anyone else who is handling a porn addiction and is in a relationship.
This video and blog is done for the NoFap Academy and I’m just putting it here until the new site is done. Sign up for the newsletter to get our free ebook “NoFap Hacks: Tips and Tricks for Quitting Porn”!
This post is about taking cold showers. The topic of cold showers has been discussed quite a bit in the NoFap community so I thought that I would give you all my take on it. I’m going to share my thoughts on why you should take cold showers and also give you some tips on how to maximize their effectiveness.
I actually went the entire month of September taking nothing but ice cold showers. For the entire month that temperature knob was set on maximum cold and it never budged an inch.
Now, some of you may be thinking “wow, that sounds terrible. also what the hell does this have to do with NoFap?” Well basically, I believe that taking cold showers is absolutely one of the most effective ways for you to get comfortable with discomfort. And being comfortable with discomfort is one of the biggest keys for successfully quitting porn.
Think about it – what is one of the main reasons for relapse? In most cases it’s that we can’t handle the discomfort of denying our urges to watch porn. When you are addicted to porn, your mind and body craves it. When you don’t answer that craving, it can be quite unpleasant! By taking cold showers you essentially gain practice at confronting the weakness of the flesh.
In fact, this idea can be applied to almost every obstacle in life. If you can step into an ice cold shower, then you can pretty much do anything. When we learn how to move forward despite that internal resistance – we gain true freedom. If you can take a cold shower, you can say no to porn. If you can take a cold shower, you can approach any girl. If you can take a cold shower, you could wrestle a gorilla. You might not beat him, or live, but at least you’d have the balls to try!
Tips for maximizing the effectiveness of cold showers
1. Commit to a set amount of time for doing cold showers. I did a month, but maybe you can just start off with a week or a couple of days. The true positive effects are cumulative so don’t short change yourself!
2. Turn the shower ALLL the way cold from the very beginning. Some people like to suggest that you start it warm and gradually make it cold. Don’t be a wuss! This defeats the purpose!
3.Observe your mental state throughout the process. This is an excellent opportunity for getting to understand how to control your mind under stress. When you first do this there are going to be a myriad of feelings running through you. Notice how you feel right before you get in, during the shower, and after.
These feelings will change as you practice your control under stress and will give you a tremendous advantage when dealing with other uncomfortable things. Ultimately try to approach the activity with a calm and nonplussed mindset. When you can approach a cold shower with the same mindset as a warm one then you’ve become significantly more badass.
4.Relax your body completely! This might be the most important thing and is the one that I focused on the most. You will realize that if you can completely relax your muscles, you feel far less discomfort. This is excellent practice for learning how to “embrace” discomfort. When you get all tensed up and contorted, that tension represents resistance to the experience.
By relaxing yourself, it shows that you have embraced the experience and when you do this, it becomes much more bearable. This is also true for dealing with urges to watch porn and really any other experience you have an aversion to.
5.Use cold showers as a healthier mood modifier (instead of porn). When you are finished with a cold shower chances are you will literally feel amazing. The first few times I did this I ended up just laughing afterwards. This kind of stress releases all kinds of pent up energy and endorphins and I now use it as one of my favorite ways of knocking me out of a negative or depressed mood.
After doing a whole month of cold showers they almost got too easy. Because of that I’ve decided to just mix in cold showers with my normal warm ones. That way they maintain their challenge and ability to sharpen my edge. I know that this tool is one that I’ll never completely remove from my self-development toolbox and I hope you find it just as useful!
I believe the two things that make a man attractive to a woman are the two key ingredients for mature love. Mature love is a total gift of self and a total reception of the other. In many ways these two components are what’s necessary to be a balanced man.
1. Need to be fully comfortable, stable and integrated in yourself. Basically you need to be able to be self-determined and self-fulfilled. Think of it as loving yourself.
2. Need to be able to grow with another person. This means that you need to be willing to harmonize yourself with another being. This can be thought of as loving others.
When you have these components then you are someone who can experience mature, romantic love. These capabilities are naturally attractive to any woman seeking love. Without these things then there will either be some sort of negative block or dependency which leads to a limited kind of love.
Loving and taking care of yourself
The first point here of being comfortable in your own skin is becoming increasingly common knowledge in areas of masculine self development. If you go on NoFap and you see topics about someone obsessing over women or some guy who is really down because he can’t get a girl, then it’s almost guaranteed someone will tell him that he needs to stop basing his self worth on his romantic success and that he’s better off focusing on himself. By doing these things a man shows that he doesn’t need a woman, and because of that women will find him more attractive.
No woman wants to be needed she wants to be wanted. If you need a woman, then the choice of the woman that you pick means less. They will be able to sense that they are just filling a role for you. Their attention is just something that you need in order to feel good about yourself. This essentially devalues them and turns them into a commodity. Not attractive very attractive, right?
If a man can take care of himself and has his own passions, then woman knows that she will not have to play mommy to him. A man who doesn’t have these things is still somewhat immature.This kind of immature man wants a girl who will take care of him, tell him what to do and help him grow up. I know many relationships like this where the guy is a big manbaby and the girl has a nurturing spirit and gets a sense of purpose from taking care of him. While this forms a symbiotic bond, I believe that this limits the amount of true passion and love that could be flowing here.
The ways you can strengthen this aspect is by getting your shit together. Take charge of your life and start doing the things that matter. Pursue your passions. If you don’t have passions then get off your ass and find them. If you don’t feel good about yourself then start meditating to realize that you are already a beautiful human being worthy of love and then go do the things that reflect this truth. Go to the gym, study, work, play and live your life to the fullest.
Now being confident and having your life together is only half the equation. If you can’t connect and grow WITH another person then all you will be able to do is either force them to go your way or split.
Like I said in the beginning, true mature love is a total gift of self and a total reception of the other. The goal is to create a purely additive bond between you where you are both whole and complete on your own, and combine to form something even greater. So often relationships are based upon some sort of co-dependence where neither person is complete and they use the other to fill in a part of themselves.
When you learn to truly love another you grow with them so that you both reach a place of independence and fullness as individuals but then also combine and harmonize your own natural greatness to create something even more beautiful.
Finally it’s worth mentioning that if you are religious/spiritual then there is a third component and that is to love God. This love should supersede loving yourself and loving the other.
Today’s topic is about the difference between pleasure and fulfillment, and how understanding and acting on this difference is what separates men from boys.
A mature man will choose fulfillment over pleasure every time. Fulfillment is the feeling of true satisfaction. Just look at the word, FULL-FILL-ment. It’s a sensation of fullness, of being filled up. This leaves you with a feeling of contentment and needing nothing more.
However, pleasure is what boys seek. Pleasure is stimulation, excitement, something that makes you feel good in the moment. But when it is not aligned with fulfillment, pleasure leaves you empty, drained, and craving more.
A massive problem I see with men today is that we have become slaves to pleasure and lost sight of fulfillment. What this has amounted to is a bunch of boys running around in men’s bodies wrecking shit because they haven’t been taught the difference.
You see, fulfillment is the product of positive growth. When you do good things, your reward is being fulfilled. What’s even better is that the benefits of these kinds of actions stick around. Here are some examples of things that lead to fulfillment:
Doing work which you are passionate about
Engaging in meaningful romance
Spending quality time with family or friends
The benefits of pleasure however, disappear as soon as you stop engaging in the behavior
Watching trash tv
Surfing trash internet
Jerking off to Porn
(In a lot of cases) Videogames
We’ve been lied to today. We’ve been taught that pleasure is the be-all end all, and it is what we should strive for. However, that’s total bullshit. The reason we are told this lie is because you can sell pleasure and make money off of it.
Additionally, at first glance pleasure may even seem superior to fulfillment. This is because pleasure is fun right up front, but often with fulfillment you have to put some work in before you get the reward.
So is pleasure a bad thing?
Do I think that pleasure is evil? That it should always be avoided? No, not at all. But a mature man aligns his pleasure WITH fulfillment. A mature man gets sexual pleasure from a loving and meaningful relationship. He reads pleasurable books or watches pleasurable shows that have artistic value that inspires him, and makes him think. When he plays videogames it’s to explore an intriguing world or to have fun with friends (instead of playing to kill time and escape reality). When he eats junk food (if he does at all) it’s in the context of an overall healthy diet.
Pleasure is not bad in itself, it is only bad when it exists in a vacuum. When this is the case, pleasure is like a black hole that devours your time and energy, making you want more and more. When you live for pleasure, your life starts to fall apart around you because you are not building it up with fulfilling activities. The worse things get, the more you need to escape them with more pleasure. It’s a never ending cycle that sucks you dry.
Look at any kind of addict, whether it’s porn, alcohol, or drugs – eventually it reduces people to a shell of what they were because their pursuit of pleasure has sucked the life out of them.
The question I want to leave you with is this:
How much energy are you giving to empty pleasure and how much to fulfillment?
Seriously, take a look at how you spend your time and see where you are putting your energy. Chances are this will give you an extremely powerful insight as to why you feel the way you do about life.